We Need to Ban the Term ‘Bullying’!

What used to be normal childhood behaviors are now seen as pathological and dangerous. Have we gone too far with the label "bully?"

Independent School Magazine recently published an article, “Why Our Approach to Bullying is Bad for Kids,” by Susan Porter.  Porter set out to investigate the apparent surge in bullying among children, as reported in multiple media.  What she learned was that the incidence of bullying had not increased so much as the definition of bullying had changed and expanded.

Bullying used to mean acts of physical harassment between children, beating up a smaller child or repeated hate speech.  Now bullying includes all sorts of behaviors, including social exclusion, name-calling, teasing, and generally being unfriendly.  Also the negative outcomes of bullying have been expanded from school phobia and depression to include feeling upset or being sad.  Porter learned in her research that bullying now means any of the “routine” acts of selfishness, meanness, teasing, and other social misfires that characterize childhood and adolescence.

What is troubling to Susan Porter (and to me) is that what used to be normal childhood behaviors are now seen as pathological and dangerous.  Adults are creating unrealistic guidelines for children’s behaviors in an effort to try to prevent all children from feeling any pain or discomfort from unsuccessful social interactions.  Like many other aspects of our lives, adults seem to be trying to create a construct for children that, in the end, inhibits a child’s ability to learn from mistakes and to develop resilience in the face of adversity.

Porter believes that using the label “bully” creates a fixed mindset that speaks to a child’s character rather than the child’s behavior.  When we label a child a “bully” or a “victim”, not only do adults then tend to view these children in that context, children themselves, who are very concrete, see themselves through the lens of the label, often to their detriment.  Porter also argues that when we embrace this fixed mindset, it lets everyone off the hook of doing the difficult work of helping children to truly change behavior, develop compassion and empathy, and to learn how to face adversity and develop resilience, all of which take time and patience.  The adults end up not helping children to grow, and these situations are exacerbated by the divisiveness it can cause between parents and between parents and the school.

Porter recommends abandoning the rhetoric that has overtaken this issue and investing our energies in understanding normal childhood development and in developing policies and programs that foster a growth mindset.

This article resonated with me, as I have long held that the use of the terms “bully” and “victim” has run completely amok.  All too often, today’s adults have lost perspective, and through their reactions escalate situations well beyond the actual event itself.  Our unrealistic desire to protect our children from any and all adversity, failure or discomfort is having the completely opposite result.

It is time for parents and educators to help children reclaim normal childhood development, including learning to cope with and conquer adversity, conflict and failure, along with celebrating successes.  We need to refocus and do a much better job in distinguishing what is true bullying, which tends to be rather rare, and what is typical, though still unacceptable, inappropriate social interactions between children.  We then need to be prepared to do the hard work of helping children to grow emotionally and socially, which takes time, effort and patience.  This is certainly our commitment at Hillel.

Susan Porter’s book, Bully Nation:  Why America’s Approach to Bullying is Bad for Everyone, will be released in the spring of 2013 and is a must-read for everyone committed to the growth of our children.


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Sue Burstein January 18, 2013 at 01:37 PM
Excellent!! Kids will be kids. Bugt our schools want compliant little robotoids instead of normal children...hence too, the medicating of children who are "over" active. Quite frankly, we are raising generations of wimps and it does not bode well for our country.
Jenny Greenwell January 18, 2013 at 03:38 PM
Children tend to reflect the behaviors that they see in adults. Kids will certainly be kids, and they will grow up to become the kinds of adults who raise them, and who help them adjust their thoughts and behavior to deal with increasingly complicated and potentially frustration social situations. I recently saw a young mom badgering her child to say "thank you." Perhaps saying "thank you" would come naturally to that child if he saw an adult saying it regularly, when appropriate. I think we need to realize that we "reap what we sow." Our children are mirrors of US. A child who bullies others may well be, or have been bullied at home or by others.
Kurz January 18, 2013 at 04:08 PM
Our schools use the term "bully" more frequently because they are at a loss of how to stop the behavior of frequently hurtful children who are being raised to be self centered and have no boundries on their sharing their opinions. These children also have parents who support and defend their children's self serving, offensive behavior at every turn. The number of these spoiled children is increasing and their inability to differentiate between themselves and those in authority of their care (i.e. parents & teachers) makes their behavior nearly impossible to change. Schools have bullying policies in place that give them a tool to deal with this new type of child so the parents have to deal with the fact their child's behavior is out of line and not productive for their future or the overall environment of the classroom. It would classifly bullying behavior as if someone is feeling uncomfortable on a regular basis in class because some other child is making them feel less than and takes pleasure in inflicting the hurt to the other child. That should not be a part of a normal childhood.
Dani G January 18, 2013 at 07:48 PM
A great way to eliminate bullying is to celebrate differences and include EVERYONE- not just typically developing ones. Bring them all together as one. Kids with special needs have so much to teach ordinary ones.
Gerry S January 18, 2013 at 09:58 PM
You are so completely and utterly misguided Freedman I hardly know where to begin. This "normal childhood behavior" that you so readily discount damages some children to the point of suicide. Reclaiming "normal childhood development" applies to the wimps and victims too and your insensitivity to their plight is outrageously egregious and inappropriate to me.
pam ghaster January 19, 2013 at 12:47 AM
Steve Freedman your publication is outragious. Children are committing suicide because they are victims and social media has made this worse. Until you have a child that has been bullied write about something else. pamela ghaster
Dani G January 19, 2013 at 03:54 PM
While I'm critical of Hillel's resistance to include children of all abilities, citing a "lack of resources", it's unfair to assume that Freedman doesn't have experience raising a child with differences or one that has been bullied.
Sue Burstein January 20, 2013 at 02:43 PM
I think most have missed the point here. Freedman never said don't deal with bullying. He was making the point that we use the word indiscriminately at every turn. There will always be leaders and followers. There will always be winners and losers. And face it, there will Always Be those who bully and those who are bullied. And there are levels of this behavior. We would do our children a bigger favor if we taught them how to deal with situations that are uncomfortable than always trying to protect them from what is not perfect. True bullying needs to be dealt with on many levels. But this mindset that everyone wins, everyone leads , and no one will ever say an unkind word to you is also ridiculous. Every unkind word or act is NOT bullying, and the sooner we learn as children's AND adults how to,respond and deal the better off we will all be.
Steve Freedman January 20, 2013 at 10:20 PM
Thank you all for you all for your comments. For the record, I have four children and I am an educator. There is a difference between bullying and children acting inappropriately towards each other as a part of growing up and learning how to do the right thing. Let us remember children are learning how to behave and act. Their brains are still developing, and often children will react impulsively and without good judgement. They need to learn how to treat each other. Adults need to be able to differentiate between bullying and other inappropriate interactions. Sue Burstein seems to have read the blog closely. Bullying does exist and can cause great harm. However, we tend to call everything bullying today, overusing the term, and hence this helps no one. We all need to take a deep breath, step back and discern the difference between bullying and normal, developmental behavior. We need to give our children the tools to respond to inappropriate behavior, teach children how to interact appropriately, and yes, while teaching, hold children accountable for their behavior. We do not need to label every inappropriate action as bullying - that can be just as harmful to all involved. Some of you should re-read the blog. We all should look for Susan Porter's new book on bullying when it comes out this spring.
Connie Knie January 22, 2013 at 02:55 AM
I think Steve F. and Sue B. are spot on. My heart breaks for parents who have lost children to suicide because of "bullying". But if these children took their lives because they felt they were victims isn't that speaking right to the heart of the article? They felt they were victims because our society has only two categories for youth. You are either a bully or a victim..............
Gerry S January 23, 2013 at 06:40 AM
Are you serious? Kids don't kill themselves because they perceive themselves as victims. They kill themselves because they are repeatedly told they do not fit into society by their peers. When "educator" Freedman explains to the parents of a dead student of his that their child was not a "victim" of bullying but simply could not cope with the "normal childhood behaviors" of other children I am sure they will recognize their own deficiencies as parents.
Connie Knie January 23, 2013 at 04:45 PM
Gerry I certainly didn't mean to offend. Like I said I have not been in this position so I am not speaking from experience. But what is the difference between believing you do not fit into society because your peers say so and being a victim? What is the definition of victim if not that??
Kurz January 23, 2013 at 05:18 PM
To say our society only has two categories of youth (victim and bully) is really oversimplifying the complicated social lives of children in today's world. I have school aged children and the children today are taught very early on not to label and the schools do not tolerate that either (it would be a form of bullying for so called "victims" to call a another child a "bully") From my experience schools with their "bully" policys have done an excellent job teaching all children how to be enpowered to voice their feelings when they are being taunted and how to recognize what bully behaviour looks like and how to react. You might not like the term bully but it is being used as a term to describe a behavior so it can be recognized, NOT as a label of individual children. School bully policies teach the concept that sometimes we all use bully behavior to get what we want (i.e. I won't be your friend if you don't do what I say) and all children need to understand how that behavior affects others so it can be self regulated and peer regulated as well in favor of information learned. I can only speak from experience at the grade school level, the early years, which is where all this should be learned and enforced, (in my opinion anyway) so that children can go on to middle and high school with a strong foundation of self power and be able to feel secure in the belief that society frowns on bullying behavior.
Connie Knie January 23, 2013 at 06:14 PM
You have made one of my points perfecly. "I won't be your friend if you don't do what I say" (in my opinion) is not bullying. And I believe that our schools and our society have not only NOT taught our children how to handle difficult situations, we have gone totally in the opposite direction. So much time and energy is spent making sure that their delicate self esteem is not injured, and that they are never made to suffer failure or given the opportunity to learn from mistakes that when they do go on to middle school and there is less opportunity for adult intervention and protection our youth are at a loss as to how to handle it. I believe that there is truly bullying behavior out there and but what I stand by is that it is an overused and not clearly understood term. Kids will always be mean. But mean is not always being a bully.
Lorne Gold January 30, 2013 at 02:26 AM
With his article, Dr. Freedman ichpse to take the great and difficult challenge of fairly summarizing, in a very short space, with few words, a fairly lengthy (by comparison) and much more complex and in depth article by Susan Porter. I suggest that the readers, before cementing about Dr. Freedman's blog entry, are best served by themselves reading Ms. Porter's article and considering Dr. Freedmans thoughts as a companion piece to it. Her article can be read here: http://www.triangledayschool.org/sites/default/files/common/Bullying%20Article.pdf
Lorne Gold January 30, 2013 at 02:29 AM
I apologize for the spelling errors. Small keys + autocorrect.


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